The NFL and The Simpsons: Part I

I love The Simpsons and I love the NFL.  So I’m combining these two passions and assigning a Simpsons character as a mascot for each NFL team.  My reasoning behind each selection probably won’t be coherent, but this was really fun to write.  The first installment will include the NFC East and NFC West. 

NFC East:

Dallas Cowboys = Abe Simpson

Abe Simpson likes to tell a lot of old stories that don’t make a lot of sense and lives in the past.  Sounds a lot like Jerry Jones, but instead of reliving his army days, Jerry likes to pretend it’s still the 1970’s or early 1990’s.

New York Giants = Squeaky Voiced Teen

The New York Football Giants have had some success not that long ago but keep believing in a quarterback who’s only famous because of his last name.  Squeaky Voiced Teen works seemingly every unwanted job in Springfield, but also has success in that he’s sometimes the manager.  People keep giving him chances but he always proves he doesn’t know what he’s doing, much like the current Giants.

Philadelphia Eagles = Moe Szyslak

Moe and the Eagles have both gone under transformations over the years, and we still don’t know quite what to make of either.  In reality, Eagles fans are more like Moe in that they’re quick to anger and will turn on you in a second.  But, Moe and the Eagles have their moments where you can’t help but root for them.

Washington Redskins = Hank Scorpio

Dan Snyder and Hank Scorpio are both insane.  The only difference is that Scorpio was successful in conquering the East Coast.  They both also have affections for people they shouldn’t because they’re incompetent and won’t help finish the job.  For Hank that’s Homer, for Dan that’s every high priced free agent they’ve regretted signing.  Maybe Snyder should just invest in a flamethrower.

NFC West:

Arizona Cardinals = Gil Gunderson

Both the Cardinals and Gil are troubled with bad luck.  Whenever they catch a break – like when Gil takes a job in Scottsdale, AZ – something always messes that up.  Neither can ever get anything right (Arizona had some luck with an old Kurt Warner throwing to Fitz, but haven’t found a QB yet & Arizona has never had an offensive line) and rely on castoffs from others just to get by.

San Francisco 49ers = Sideshow Bob

Both are crazy – we know Bob is, and you can’t tell me that Jim Harbaugh isn’t.  While Sideshow Bob is constantly seeking revenge against Bart, the 49ers are left seeking revenge against the Seattle Seahawks.  Plus, we all know Alcatraz would do a better job of containing Sideshow Bob than Springfield Penitentiary

Seattle Seahawks = Bart Simpson

Bart is the original bad boy and the Seahawks are the bad boys of the NFL.  You want to tell Richard Sherman differently and see how he reacts?  They both are held back by bumbling sidekicks – Bart has Milhouse, and Seattle by every quarterback and head coach before Russell Wilson and Pete Carroll – but you can never count either out.

St. Louis Rams = Seymour Skinner

The Rams are lucky to be part of the NFL as they’ve bungled personnel decisions since The Greatest Show on Turf days.  Principal Skinner somehow manages to keep his job as head of the worst school of whatever state Springfield is in.  The Rams are currently embodied by the fragile and seemingly lacking in self-esteem Sam Bradford.  Skinner has never had self-esteem, not even in his army days in Vietnam.  St. Louis also decided to keep Bradford (and his enormous rookie contract thanks to the old CBA) much like how Skinner has always stuck by his mother instead of any other woman on The Simpsons.